If there’s one symptom I find the most troublesome around the new year, it’s fear.
Fear of the forthcoming year, fear of not achieving my hopes and dreams, and most pertinently for myself: the fear of not getting better.
The past few weeks and months in 2014 have been about seeking answers in regards to my health. Whilst there are still many questions surrounding the fatigue that has battered my daily life, I have found a renewed drive to get better and regain that sense of independence I once had.
Unfortunately, this drive and determination to get back into work, live in London and kick start my social life has the consequence of making me feel frustrated if things don’t happen quickly.
Over the Christmas break I have met up with quite a few friends: from school, university or work. Many of these friends live in different places now, and are working full-time in their respective jobs. I love hearing about what they are up to, and social contact has been so important throughout this year. Meeting up has definitely given me the incentive to keep pushing through the pain, but it has also delivered a sense of nostalgia for the life I once had whilst living in central London.
The “all or nothing”/”boom or bust” mindset that I battle with has its benefits and its downfalls. For me, a lack of energy but an able mind bursting with ideas is a terrible combination. If I have the will but not the power, I feel helpless, and trapped inside my own body.
With chronic fatigue, it is difficult to know how far to push yourself. This is particularly true when depression is the flip side of any decision. The more I do, the more mentally happy I feel. Yet the more I do, the more physically (and mentally) fatigued I become. When the inevitable crash occurs, the depression creeps back and punishes my body for failing to live the fast-paced life it’s expected to live at 23.
It’s a vicious cycle, to which I’m sure others can relate.
Funnily enough, since sitting down to write this post, the panic, fear & irritability at the onset has begun to settle. By simply focusing on one task for 15 minutes, I can feel myself begin to relax. It’s also time to take a rest from typing, as the brain fog is starting to kick back in after taking the time to focus on text.
My main resolution for 2015 is this:
Strive for my goals (to return to living and working in London) but be compassionate to myself if this process takes some time.
Happy New Years’ Eve, everyone, and be kind to yourselves.